After 20 years together, my wife has lost all physical interest in me

We have two wonderful children, but our sex life is completely dead and she no longer shows me any affection

‘I receive as much tenderness from her as I would expect from a dead horse …’ Photograph: Troels Graugaard

I have been together with my wife for almost two decades. We have two wonderful children, but she has simply lost all physical interest in me, and on the rare occasions when she lies in my arms, I receive as much tenderness from her as I would expect from a dead horse. Our only joint activity at night with three letters is watching CSI.

You need to talk – properly, deeply and frankly. And you need to help her feel more secure with you by expressing the sadness and hurt and sense of loss you feel at being rejected by her. Always start by speaking lovingly about the things that are good in your relationship – not just the children, but specific ways in which you love and admire her and are attracted to her. Something along the lines of, “I really care deeply about you, but I am also very sad that we have no physical connection. I miss it, and wonder if we could please talk about it?” Then just listen, without interrupting. Don’t try to answer accusations; simply repeat back what she says to make sure you understand. There could be many reasons why she is disinterested in love-making – depression, hormones, vulva pain – it’s not necessarily all about you. If you become a fellow forensics expert in seeking answers – including through couples counselling – there is hope to turn CSI nights into a hot, in vivo, DNA exchange.